A Brand New Jelly Bean

It’s been a while for the Kelswitch. The last month in particular has been crazy. On Friday, June 16th, I was admitted to the hospital with gestational hypertension. My blood pressure had been high for a few weeks and that day, I had another doctor’s visit and it had gone up even higher. My doctor was concerned about it progressing into pre-eclampsia and posing a threat to my baby. So she sent me to the hospital with the initial thought of just twenty-four hours to monitor me. That then progressed into a two night stay and they began talking about moving my induction up a few days and doing it right when I hit 36 weeks the following Wednesday. My little girl would have been a solstice baby, but that wasn’t going to happen.

Sunday morning, I was woken up by nurses swarming my hospital bed. The baby’s heart rate dropped, and it dropped a few more times even after I moved around. So early that morning, my doctor came in and said they didn’t have time to try to induce me. That only left one option, emergency c-section.

I wasn’t given any time to really freak out about them cutting me open. I didn’t have time to think about what could possibly go wrong, or even really that we weren’t quite ready for this yet. We thought we had a couple more weeks.

So Jelly Bean was delivered at 35 weeks and 4 days. Even though she was/is tiny, she is healthy and doing really well. After she came, my blood pressure almost immediately went back to normal and my doctor reaffirmed what Bear has been telling me all along, that the hypertension wasn’t my fault. But it was hard not to feel like it was, and not to feel like my baby had to spend a week in the NICU because of something I did wrong.

Apparently being a mother comes with all sorts of guilt, deserved or not. Being a mother is also humbling as hell. It blows my mind every time my Jelly Bean blinks up at me that Bear and I made her. The two of us came together and made a new human, which is such a gift and so amazing that I don’t understand how some people can be so blase about having a baby.

As tiny as she is and as much as I adore her being so tiny and everything she does is adorable, I cannot wait to see her grow up. I cannot wait to see her personality emerge and learn what interests she’ll have, if she’ll be as different from me as I am from my mom, or if she will really be my mini me and we’ll share not only small facial features but interests and beliefs.

Although I’m suffering no delusions that she and I won’t butt heads, especially when she hits her teen years.

I am enjoying being on maternity leave and dreading going back to work, even as part of me misses my daily routine. Routine is nice. Routine makes me happy. I’ve been subject to Jelly Bean’s rather sporadic schedule these last few weeks and I’d love to get her on a specific schedule that she sticks to, hopefully before I go back to work. And then there’s writing.

My write every day streak ended on day 55, the day before I had my c-section. I’m still writing though, and I’ll go more into how that’s been going with a new baby over at I Write Dangerously. Stay tuned, and thanks for reading this quick little update!

Kelswitch, over and out.

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